Category: Philosophy

The Fear and Guilt of People-Pleasing

chimsartlife asked a question:

Hello Pastor Park, recently I’ve been looking outside of myself and seeing that I talk too much about myself. I remember you once had a podcast in which you talked about being a people pleaser. I’ve noticed that I tend to puff up the things I am capable of doing in order to impress others. But it makes me sound like I’m full of myself. I’ve tried and I’ve prayed about it. But my way of stopping is to avoid talking as much. I’m a talker. Now I just run from my normal social interactions.

Hey dear friend, I’m guilty of the very same thing, and I go through the same self-conscious twitchiness. “Am I being humble enough? Am I bragging too much? Am I being annoying right now?”

The problem is that once we’re aware of our own problems, we tend to beat ourselves up too much. Especially Christians. We are experts at flogging ourselves like it’s a spiritual experience. We’re not always so good at resting in God’s assurance of us.

I’ve learned that the solution to overcome our issues is not to run from them, but to find new ways forward for something better. If you only “run from sin,” you’ll start to second-guess yourself so much that you’ll hardly be yourself at all. Part of receiving the acceptance of Christ is knowing that he has wired you a certain way, and you can use it for good instead of worrying about going bad.

Continue reading “The Fear and Guilt of People-Pleasing” →

No One Wants To Be A Charity Case.


The moment we begin to see a certain group as a “charity case” or a “working project,” then we lose sight of the fact that they’re just people too, like you and me. We’re not the savior and they’re not some secondary character to fulfill our hero-narrative. I’m not saying that this is your motive, but we too easily slip into main character syndrome and treat others like the props in our catharsis.

When I first began looking into gay rights and the abortion debate, that was my problem: I was treating it as an issue instead of seeing the people inside the issues. I had to address the entire person as a whole, not by their “problem.” Sure, I wanted to know what was offensive and what was acceptable; I wanted to know how God’s grace actively applied to each distinct context. But by seeing their problem as a problem, I was inadvertently calling attention to their “disadvantage” as a pseudo-savior instead of entering their world as equals.

In Asia, there’s currently a growing boom of cross-dressing and transgender individuals. When I last visited (in the Philippines last year), I really just tried my best to see this person as a holistic life, who had to go home and pay bills and resolve conflicts and make it through rush hour and endure insults and visit the doctor and find God. My priority as a Christian is to see the heart, because this is where love is most crucial — it is not to change someone’s behavior or opinions or appearance. I can bring grace, truth, and conversation, and God will show up, like He always does.

— J.S. from this post


The Miracle of Moving Forward.


You’re in the middle of your motion, so it’s hard to see where you are. But so long as you’ve been taking one heavy step forward after another, no matter how awkward your stumbling, then this is worth celebrating. Every moment you’ve done right is a miracle in itself.

We believe in a God who knew we couldn’t ever reach perfection, so perfection came to us. If you feel like you’ve failed today, the very reason Jesus came was to take on your failures, your ego, your pride, your pain, your sorrows, your sin. And He’ll keep working on you until glory. Everything good in you is God in you: and anything bad in you, He’s working on that.

— J.S. from What The Church Won’t Talk About


How Do I Know The Bible Is Really From God?

newsfromabove asked a question:

Hello pastor Park! Thank you very much for answering so many people’s questions. You’re a wonderful presence here on Tumblr. My question, since we’re both skeptic Christians (I used to be a strong atheist), is how do you know the Bible is God’s Word? Tough one maybe. Have a great weekend!

Hey dear friend, I love this question.

There are really two ways to answer. The first is “hard apologetics,” where I just throw facts at you until you have an empirical basis for Scripture being a divinely inspired text. We do need this to intellectually satisfy us. The second is “soft apologetics,” in which the entire storyline of the Bible effectively speaks to our human condition. We need this to existentially fulfill us.

The thing is, even if I lay down a jaw-dropping defense of faith, it won’t be enough to alleviate all our doubts. I could present a 98% ironclad case that Scripture is God-breathed and that the historical claims of the Resurrection were real, but that last 2% will require that tricky, itchy, uncomfortable phenomenon called faith.

People like you and me, who are naturally skeptical and need objective, observable evidence will always struggle with this. But that’s also a good thing. Our doubts will prompt us into investigating as deep as we can possibly go. Doubt is not a sin, at all. It’s troubling, but it has also instilled a great deal of vigilance to question everything I believe until I have a faith that works.

Continue reading “How Do I Know The Bible Is Really From God?” →

Those Really Tough Bible Verses About Murder, Oppression, and Women

championpayne asked a question:

Hi! I was wondering what your input would be on this post. It bothered me a bit and I want to defend these scriptures, but I’m not sure how. The scriptures are, Psalm 137:9, 1 Timothy 2:12, Deuteronomy 22:28, Exodus 21:7, Leviticus 25:44, Numbers 25:4, Jeremiah 48:10 and Ezekiel 9:5. Thanks!

Hey dear friend, for easy reference, all the verses are listed here.

One thing I learned in seminary was that without context, there is no content.

These verses by themselves look absurd, and in fact, I will wrestle with a lot of the Bible until my time on earth is done. At the same time, many of these problematic verses have adequate explanations behind them when you can dive into the history and background.

This is really an issue of trust. If I approach the Bible with my modern Westernized preconceived bias, I will naturally find things to hate about the Bible, no matter how much they’re explained to me. If I trust that the God of the Bible is good, loving, and compassionate, then I will naturally find a logical rationale, even as I admit that some verses are harder to understand than others. I could argue both for and against these verses if I really wanted to. It’s a matter of choosing to trust Him, or not. If I don’t, I won’t. If I do, there’s a plethora of insight and wisdom that will jump out of Scripture. It all depends on who I believe that God is first.

Continue reading “Those Really Tough Bible Verses About Murder, Oppression, and Women” →

Everyone’s a Heretic: The Overuse of “Heresy”

mini-ice-cream-floats asked:

Hi Pastor. I was looking at your posts and a lot of them were very encouraging in terms of staying with the Christian walk. That said, I read that Tim Keller is a heretic. I don’t know much about him, but some say yes, others no. I think one of your posts quoted from him. What do you think? Thank you.

Hey dear friend, thank you so much for your kind words.

Normally I want to be super gracious and thoughtful and nuanced here, but please allow me to get just a tiny bit upset. Not at you, my dear friend, but at this word “heretic.”

The thing is, you’re a heretic. So am I. So is everyone.

We’ve all said dumb things about God. You and me both. None of us have it completely right about Him and no one owns the monopoly on Christian theology. While I do believe that God is knowable, I also believe that some of our differences in doctrine do not deserve the blanket term “heresy.”

Let’s keep in mind that calling someone a “heretic” or a “blasphemer” a few hundred years ago was a serious accusation that would get someone sent to a funeral pyre. A stake burning. A lynching. It’s a terrible disgusting word that comes from an embarrassing time in church history. It’s essentially damning someone to hell.

Let’s also ask the question, Who is saying that this person is a heretic? Who makes someone the watchdog and gatekeeper and arbiter of the Christian faith? At what point does one human being with a three lb. brain say to another human being, “You’re wrong about this divine supernatural being called God” …? Is there so much more to know than loving Jesus and loving people? Wouldn’t anything else be negotiable?

That means the seventy-five year old man who finds Jesus is a heretic. Nope, sorry, you don’t know enough Bible, old man. The ten year old child who loves Jesus is a heretic. Sorry, you don’t know about supralapsarianism and pneumatology, little buddy. Only scholars and saints and ascetic monks could possibly know enough Bible to be qualified for the pearly gates.

This reminds me of when church-people are quick to yell “Pharisee” and “legalist,” because we’re so scared of The Other. Our human nature will find any possible way to demonize the other side. See? I just did it, right there. We build camps and tribes and dichotomies so we can say, “At least I’m not like those Christians over there.” We find one little disagreement and then make a division instead of building bridges. We don’t give each other a chance. And maybe faith is more simple than we make it.

Continue reading “Everyone’s a Heretic: The Overuse of “Heresy”” →

I Got Marriage Fever: The Desperate Hunt For A Spouse

isaacbeerkowski asked:

Hey pastor. I’ve recent realized that I have a habit of going to church and looking at all the ring fingers on the beautiful godly women around me. Its not that it’s a common thing in my lifestyle. I try very hard to stay pure and prepare myself accordingly for my bride. But it seems like when I go to church, a pretty specific time when I should be focused on other things…I seem to instantly become desperate to find my bride. Idk what’s going on. Are you familiar with this struggle?

Hey dear friend, you’re definitely not alone in this.

There was a time in my own life (high school & college) when I just couldn’t stand to be single. I would go after every new girl in the room. It doesn’t mean I got them; it’s just that I desperately wanted to be in a relationship all the time. Of course, when I got in one, I wanted out. It was a selfish, vicious, stupid cycle that I confess to my own shame.

I’m not saying this is where you’re at. But in psychology, there’s an informal phenomenon called an aspirational crush. It’s sometimes a paranormal relationship. It’s not exactly sexual or even relational, but it’s that thing when you have a crush on every person who makes your stomach flutter. You could call it “girl-crazy.”

There are all sorts of reasons this happens, especially because we live in a culture that’s bombarded by overly sexualized media. The church is just as guilty. There’s a church in New York that has an entire wall of pictures of married couples who met at the church, and while I understand they want to celebrate this, apparently the church is huge on hooking up singles. I can’t imagine what this does to the “less socially acceptable” single people. Overall, I find it a bit tacky and demoralizing.

But ultimately, this comes down to reflecting on what you’re really about.

The two best things I can say are:

Continue reading “I Got Marriage Fever: The Desperate Hunt For A Spouse” →

Doctrinal Deathmatch: Catholics Vs. Charismatics Vs. Protestants – When Doctrine Divides Us (And Why It Doesn’t Have To)

bare-memoirs asked a question:

Hey J.S. I have been seeking more to my faith than what I’ve got now. However others have put me down by saying I’m just seeking to ‘work’ my way into heaven. I have asked for advice from others and also was put down. But I find much comfort in all of the thought that goes into the stances that Catholics and Orthodox holds. They give me much guidance when others haven’t even thought of the issues I have encountered … Is the condemnation that I’m receiving for seeking insight from the more traditional churches really within reason? Am I wrong for wanting more to my faith (and going this route)? …

lmazel asked a question:

Hey, Pastor Park! Hope you’re doing great and hopefully getting some well-deserved rest. I had a quick question- what are your thoughts on charismatics? I just went to a charismatic church for the first time and I certainly had never seen anything like it; I would love any information you have.

Hey my dear friends: I want to commend you right upfront about your constant searching for truth, for good theology, for a vibrant pulsing faith.  All of us are still learning and seeking and not fully arrived, and I appreciate your earnest hearts in this.

I’m also sorry for any ridicule you might have faced from your own church community for bringing up such curiosity.  No one should ever shame you for having sincere questions about faith, tradition, church, and history.

Please allow me first to quote the inimitable C.S. Lewis about other religions, which is also helpful to understand our view on Christianity itself.

“If you are a Christian you do not have to believe that all the other religions are simply wrong all through … If you are a Christian, you are free to think that all these religions, even the queerest one, contain at least some hint of the truth … As in arithmetic – there is only one right answer to a sum, and all other answers are wrong: but some of the wrong answers are much nearer being right than others.”

I’m going to extrapolate Lewis’s idea further to mean that even within Christianity, there are slight differences in traditions and cultures and people-groups that will create a distinct flavor for Christian faith in different parts of the world.  And while there are definitely false man-made institutions with Catholics or Protestants or Pentecostals, each group has at least a core foundation of truth with a capital T.

So really, Christianity will look different for most people while maintaining core truths about Jesus, because Christian faith has the nuance to respect individuality while sharing a collective universal unity.

I think if we get to the bottom of what we truly believe and ask the very hard questions, we’re each capable of the discernment to separate the good from the not-so-good here, or as Aristotle reportedly said,

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

If we’re being honest here, then we find that there are strengths and weaknesses among the traditions of Protestants and Catholics and Pentecostal/Charismatics, each able to fill out where the others are lacking.

The following will probably be over-simplifying and generalizing, but short of writing a book, here are some important things that every Christian tradition can be aware of.  I apologize in advance for my ignorance in some areas and I’m very much open to being corrected.  I also hope we have enough humility and self-awareness to see the flaws in each of our subcultures.

Continue reading “Doctrinal Deathmatch: Catholics Vs. Charismatics Vs. Protestants – When Doctrine Divides Us (And Why It Doesn’t Have To)” →

Three Thoughts on Christian Musicians Who Don’t Say “Jesus”

undergraceanthem asked a question:

What are your thoughts on bands that claim to be Christian but don’t ever use the name of Jesus in their lyrics?

Hey my friend, to be truthful: I’d rather look at the Christian band behind the songs than the songs themselves.  There’s a ton of Christian music that says “Jesus” but they ain’t really about Jesus.

I do think it’s important that Christian music is clear about who it’s about, without question.  It’s too easy to turn Jesus into bae.  But here are a few things to consider.

1) Sometimes Christians wait for other Christians to meet a “doctrinal threshold” before they’re considered doctrinally sound. I’m not saying that you’re doing this.  But when we gate-keep too hard and expect every Christian band to yell Jesus with neon lights, it’s probably stealing our joy to simply be blessed by the aesthetic value of their craft. Plus we all like a juicy story of downfall and failure; we wait for artists to “sell out” and we’re all sick like that.  It’s unfair for us to constantly gauge if the song is using “worldly philosophy” or if they haven’t said Jesus exactly seven times.

Continue reading “Three Thoughts on Christian Musicians Who Don’t Say “Jesus”” →

Should A Christian Artist Stick With “Christian” Art?

mangobobatea asked a question:

Hey. Hope all is well. I wanna ask your opinion. So I’m very imaginative when it comes to story telling so I like fiction/sci-fi./adventure. I want to write a fictional book/web-series just for fun. I had someone at church that I esteem highly tell me that fiction is useless, no one can learn anything from it and a waste of time. I didnt mention me wanting to write. As a believer, is fiction useless? (IDK how to even ask the question) But what are your thoughts. BTW I ❤ you!

Hey dear friend, I’m really sorry you heard this in your church.  Please first allow me the grace to point you here:

– Does Everything Have To Glorify God? — A Mega-Post On When Idolatry Is Not Idolatry

Though I try to understand every angle of a situation, I get pretty angry when the modern church dismisses art and creativity.  For any member of the church to actively hold down our impulse to create also neglects the thousands of years when the church was the very forefront of amazing creativity.  I can’t imagine a world without Bach, Dostoyevsky, Michaelangelo, Isaac Newton, Victor Hugo, or Maya Angelou.  Perhaps the greatest fiction ever written was by Tolkien and Lewis, who were both devout Christians.

In between reading books to prepare my sermons, I would regularly read Stephen King or an old classic like Watership Down.  I learned at seminary that a Christian’s reading ought to be the most diverse, well-rounded kind of intake compared to anyone else, because 1) we can discern what’s wise and unwise, and 2) we can enjoy any kind of art under the divine umbrella of God’s creation.  Imagine the deep fountain of joy we have to know that this art from another human being is a potential glimpse of the beauty and glory of God.  There are times I literally worshiped God while reading Hemingway or Michael Crichton.

Your creativity doesn’t even need to be “Christian-based.”  I don’t believe we should be making the “Christian version” of anything.  Like DC Talk once said, If it’s Christian, it oughta be better. Our books and music and dance and art shouldn’t be in some isolated category apart from regular culture.  While I’m not against primarily Christian-based art, I think we too often settle for mediocrity and then hope that Christians will show “grace” for us and settle for less.

Continue reading “Should A Christian Artist Stick With “Christian” Art?” →

I Am With You. I Hear You. I Am Here.

image

I get a ton of messages like this:

“I screwed up real bad this time.”

“I don’t know what happened, I fell again.”

“I keep messing up and I’m numb to myself.”

“I can’t ever get back to how it used to be.”

“Please help, I can’t get past this.”

“I’ll always be stuck. I will never move forward.”

I read each message two or three times, top to bottom and as slowly as possible. I try to reply to every single one, but there are so many and so heartbreaking that it gets overwhelming.  Even now, I’m shaking from the emotional overload of such honest, busted up hearts.

Here’s the thing. If you even cared to reach out to ask for help, that’s an amazing first step in the right direction.  To those who say, “It bothers me that I don’t care anymore,” the fact that you’re bothered about not caring means that you care.  If you’re compelled towards the tiniest shred of honesty about your issue, this is worth celebrating. Really.

It’s because you’re getting to the end of yourself. You tried it your way and you’re seeing it doesn’t work.  You’re owning up to it.  You’ve stopped blaming others or your city or your job or the house you grew up in. No one wants to get humbled the hard way, but it’s happened: you’re now able to say, “It’s me, I’m the problem, and I want this to change.”

This is nothing short of a supernatural miracle.

Continue reading “I Am With You. I Hear You. I Am Here.” →

Confusing Nostalgia With First Love: You’re Growing More Than You Think

A lot of preachers tell you, “Remember when you first came to Jesus? Remember how awesome that was? Wasn’t there a time when you were more spiritually high than today? And look at you now.”

I understand what they’re saying. They always quote Revelation 2:4-5, because that’s a scary book with a scary name with scary verses. What they mean is: You’ve grown cold to this whole thing, it’s become a routine to pray and praise, you’ve seen all the Christmas plays and Easter revivals, you’re getting jaded to the dress-your-best on Sunday thing. So get back to where you were.

“Wasn’t there a time when you were more spiritually high than today?”

But — this is always true. It presumes a false scale in which hyped-up emotions are equivalent to “first love.” We can look back on Sunday School and call those the glory days, but a lot of times we’re confusing childlike faith with childish feelings.

I get why preachers use this kind of guilt: because it’s quick, efficient, easy, and they’re probably doing it the way they’ve been taught.

Yet if we’re motivating others by moving backwards, we’re only beating up the dead.

Continue reading “Confusing Nostalgia With First Love: You’re Growing More Than You Think” →

Now Part of the X3Church Team!

JS Park XChurch


I’m super excited to be a part of the blogging contributor team for XXXChurch!

For all my posts, check here.

If you don’t know, XXXChurch is led by Craig Gross, who has led the frontlines on awareness for porn addiction and founded X3Watch, the leading accountability software.  He also nationally debates former porn-actor Ron Jeremy about the dangers of porn.

Craig and I made contact after I shared my book on quitting porn, which he found highly practical and different than the current resources on the market.  I was a bit star-struck since I consider Craig’s books to be one of the primary helps in quitting my own porn addiction (I’ve been sober for over three years!). I’m looking forward to teaming up with him!

My first blog post for XXXChurch is here!

— J.S.


So About Transgender People: Also Known As “People”

michchen asked a question:

What is your opinion on transsexual people? Besides the fact that God loves them, what does the bible have to say about it? I’ve been reading a lot of articles and I really don’t know what to think. I really respect your answers and wanted to know your take on it. Thanks 🙂

Hey there dear friend, I believe you’re referring to this post.

I’m not sure there’s a whole lot more to say than “God loves them” and that we’re called to love them, too. I’m afraid the Bible doesn’t go into specifics about this, and there’s probably a good reason for that.  Here’s why.

Some of us will be individually called to reach out to a certain group of people, whether gay or transgender or Republicans or the poor.  It will be helpful to understand that particular culture and language if you’re called to do so. But the moment we begin to see a certain group as a “charity case” or a “working project,” then we lose sight of the fact that they’re just people too, like you and me.  We’re not the savior and they’re not some secondary character to fulfill our hero-narrative. I’m not saying that this is your motive, but we too easily slip into main character syndrome and treat others like the props in our catharsis.

When I first began looking into gay rights and the abortion debate, that was my problem: I was treating it as an issue instead of seeing the people inside the issues.  I had to address the entire person as a whole, not by their “problem.”  Sure, I wanted to know what was offensive and what was acceptable; I wanted to know how God’s grace actively applied to each distinct context. But by seeing their problem as a problem, I was inadvertently calling attention to their “disadvantage” as a pseudo-savior instead of entering their world as equals.

In Asia, there’s currently a growing boom of cross-dressing and transgender individuals.  When I last visited (in the Philippines last year), I really just tried my best to see this person as a holistic life, who had to go home and pay bills and resolve conflicts and make it through rush hour and endure insults and visit the doctor and find God.  My priority as a Christian is to see the heart, because this is where love is most crucial — it is not to change someone’s behavior or opinions or appearance.  I can bring grace, truth, and conversation, and God will show up, like He always does.

Continue reading “So About Transgender People: Also Known As “People”” →

Love: Enemies: Neighbors.

“Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, “Love your enemies.” It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies.”

— Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Five Ways For Leaders To Stay Fed

ipromiseyouwontknow asked a question:

Hi Pastor Park, Just curious, as a Pastor how do you get fed?

Hey there dear friend, while I can’t say I’ve got it all locked down, I can tell you the things I actively try my best on.

1) I read tons of books.

In the last three years, I’ve probably read about 150 Christian books and about a dozen fiction books.  This is not a replacement for Bible-reading or getting mentored, but it’s definitely helped me round out my thinking.  Doug Wilson talks about copiousness, in which our imaginations are struck by the constant perusal of literature.  It’s tough, but I’m thankful that God even gave me a high love of reading.

2) I listen to tons of podcasts.

I’m a sermon junkie.  I probably listen to about eight to ten hours of sermons per week in my car or before I sleep.  Again, this is no replacement for Bible-reading, and there are plenty of dangers in over-listening to podcasts.  But 99% of the time, I’m listening to sermons for me and not to grab ideas.

Continue reading “Five Ways For Leaders To Stay Fed” →

Engaging With “Unsaved” Family and Friends

pfahlercommakatelyn asked a question:

How do you deal with your mother and other people not being saved? Do you have any hope for them?

Hey dear friend, I have a ton of hope for my family.  I have a ton of hope for everyone else in my life who doesn’t know Christ.

I understand two simple things.

1) They have a completely different worldview than me, and I need to adjust my dials for them — not in a way that compromises my faith, but in a way that shows grace. I don’t ever force them to bend to me.

Continue reading “Engaging With “Unsaved” Family and Friends” →

The Impossible Search For a Soul-Mate With My Interests

klee94 asked a question:

As a Christian woman who deeply cares about social justice issues, I find myself really despairing of finding a Christian guy who genuinely and actively cares about women’s rights, black rights, POC rights, etc. And all the while, my church culture pushes marriage and dating in my face pretty much every Sunday. I honestly sometimes feel like I won’t ever find the right, God-loving, guy and I’ve also been very fixated over my singleness. Any advice?

Hey dear friend, I think it’s tough to find anyone who cares deeply about social issues, or even worse, much of anything.  Most people who appear to “care” are either antagonistic and constantly demonize the other side, or it’s very shallow and only for hogging attention.  So when it comes to finding a friend with depth, it’s a long difficult search that can take a lifetime.

As far as your church culture goes, you can consider talking with your leaders about the over-emphasis on marriage — but regardless, please don’t let this shame you about yourself.  Don’t trust me or your church or a blog or a romantic comedy to say anything about who you are or your decisions.  And yes, singleness can be wonderful.

I want to gently encourage you to consider one thing.  It’s possible you have a “Wishlist” for a guy that would be an impossible unrealistic standard, and you might inadvertently pressure a date to fit your mold.  When he doesn’t, you’ll be constantly disappointed or you’ll belittle him.  The “Wishlist” type of thinking is cute but dangerous.  It revokes the capacity to accept that your partner could change, hence removing the agency of that person.  I’m not saying you’re doing any of this, but it’s critical to reflect upon ourselves with such brutal honesty.

The thing is, everyone is uniquely wired unto themselves.  No one, and I mean no one, will fit your dream guy, and even if he did, then life will change him into someone else over the course of time.  You might even meet a guy who cares very deeply about social causes, but then every other area of his life is downright terrible.

Continue reading “The Impossible Search For a Soul-Mate With My Interests” →

The Ugly Intervention of Rebuke


wherethecherryblossomsdance asked a question:

Hello! I’ve been re-reading some of your posts on rebuking, and I was wondering if you had any more tips? A friend and I are going to be staging an intervention for a mutual friend of ours because we’re tired of seeing her in pain and hurting. I know she’s probably going to be angry with us for this, hence why I was looking for tips on how to rebuke as Jesus would, and how to deal with the aftermath.


Hey dear friend, I know that’s incredibly hard to do and I’m thankful for friends like you who are willing to get in the mess.  I’m not sure I can give you formulas or an outline, because every person and situation is so different.

The one thing I can tell you is that I have never met a single person in the world who can properly handle rebuke.  It’s tough to hear the truth about yourself.  I’m talking about me too.  Even the most mature people I’ve ever known have melted down or flipped out when I calmly explained what I thought they could do better.  It’s a natural part of us to protect ourselves.  Even “suggestions” or “ideas” can threaten other people, because we’re all about self-preservation.  The worst church experience I ever had was making a suggestion to a celebrity pastor, which resulted in a 3am phone call full of f-bombs.

So there are two stages to prepare for.  The first is the initial pushback, when your friend will get emotional about what you’re saying.  They might cuss you out, defend themselves, do ugly cry-face, or shut down.  Let them have this.  Hear them out.  Don’t be too quick to say “You’re just butt-hurt,” whatever that means.  Their defense could be totally legitimate and you can end the conversation on the spot.

The second stage is after the rebuke.  No matter how cool your friend is, things will be awkward for a while.  Maybe two days, or two weeks, or in the case of a pastor I knew, it was almost two months.  Let it ride out.

If you can expect these things, then preparation is at least half the battle.  It won’t go perfectly.  Maybe your friend will surprise you and be the very rare person who takes it well and changes.  But be ready for messiness, and keep on loving like Jesus does.

— J.S.


Also check out:

– What Breaks My Heart Is When You Don’t Hear Mine

– Say Everything

– Please Do Not Rebuke With Self-Satisfying Relish

– Approaching a Leader About Their Attitude

– If You Haven’t Been Told “You’re Wrong” In A While — You Have No Real Friends and You’re Not One Either