Art by kristen-louise, from my sermon on Zacchaeus here.
— J.S.
Category: Christianity
The Impossible Search For a Soul-Mate With My Interests
klee94 asked a question:
As a Christian woman who deeply cares about social justice issues, I find myself really despairing of finding a Christian guy who genuinely and actively cares about women’s rights, black rights, POC rights, etc. And all the while, my church culture pushes marriage and dating in my face pretty much every Sunday. I honestly sometimes feel like I won’t ever find the right, God-loving, guy and I’ve also been very fixated over my singleness. Any advice?
Hey dear friend, I think it’s tough to find anyone who cares deeply about social issues, or even worse, much of anything. Most people who appear to “care” are either antagonistic and constantly demonize the other side, or it’s very shallow and only for hogging attention. So when it comes to finding a friend with depth, it’s a long difficult search that can take a lifetime.
As far as your church culture goes, you can consider talking with your leaders about the over-emphasis on marriage — but regardless, please don’t let this shame you about yourself. Don’t trust me or your church or a blog or a romantic comedy to say anything about who you are or your decisions. And yes, singleness can be wonderful.
I want to gently encourage you to consider one thing. It’s possible you have a “Wishlist” for a guy that would be an impossible unrealistic standard, and you might inadvertently pressure a date to fit your mold. When he doesn’t, you’ll be constantly disappointed or you’ll belittle him. The “Wishlist” type of thinking is cute but dangerous. It revokes the capacity to accept that your partner could change, hence removing the agency of that person. I’m not saying you’re doing any of this, but it’s critical to reflect upon ourselves with such brutal honesty.
The thing is, everyone is uniquely wired unto themselves. No one, and I mean no one, will fit your dream guy, and even if he did, then life will change him into someone else over the course of time. You might even meet a guy who cares very deeply about social causes, but then every other area of his life is downright terrible.
Continue reading “The Impossible Search For a Soul-Mate With My Interests”
The Ugly Intervention of Rebuke
wherethecherryblossomsdance asked a question:
Hello! I’ve been re-reading some of your posts on rebuking, and I was wondering if you had any more tips? A friend and I are going to be staging an intervention for a mutual friend of ours because we’re tired of seeing her in pain and hurting. I know she’s probably going to be angry with us for this, hence why I was looking for tips on how to rebuke as Jesus would, and how to deal with the aftermath.
Hey dear friend, I know that’s incredibly hard to do and I’m thankful for friends like you who are willing to get in the mess. I’m not sure I can give you formulas or an outline, because every person and situation is so different.
The one thing I can tell you is that I have never met a single person in the world who can properly handle rebuke. It’s tough to hear the truth about yourself. I’m talking about me too. Even the most mature people I’ve ever known have melted down or flipped out when I calmly explained what I thought they could do better. It’s a natural part of us to protect ourselves. Even “suggestions” or “ideas” can threaten other people, because we’re all about self-preservation. The worst church experience I ever had was making a suggestion to a celebrity pastor, which resulted in a 3am phone call full of f-bombs.
So there are two stages to prepare for. The first is the initial pushback, when your friend will get emotional about what you’re saying. They might cuss you out, defend themselves, do ugly cry-face, or shut down. Let them have this. Hear them out. Don’t be too quick to say “You’re just butt-hurt,” whatever that means. Their defense could be totally legitimate and you can end the conversation on the spot.
The second stage is after the rebuke. No matter how cool your friend is, things will be awkward for a while. Maybe two days, or two weeks, or in the case of a pastor I knew, it was almost two months. Let it ride out.
If you can expect these things, then preparation is at least half the battle. It won’t go perfectly. Maybe your friend will surprise you and be the very rare person who takes it well and changes. But be ready for messiness, and keep on loving like Jesus does.
— J.S.
Also check out:
– What Breaks My Heart Is When You Don’t Hear Mine
– Please Do Not Rebuke With Self-Satisfying Relish
– Approaching a Leader About Their Attitude
See As God Sees You.
The next time you’re about to take up that blade, you’ll have to make a conscious decision to tell yourself, I know God loves me. As corny as that is, even if you don’t feel it, even if you don’t want to believe it’s true, even if every ounce of you is pushing it away, please see yourself as God sees you. Just a glimpse, You are loved, God wants for you, you are His child … you are better than all this, you are made for more, and you can set that thing down and walk away.
— J.S. from What the Church Won’t Talk About
About My Six Month Break-Up With My Wife
takeeacy asked a question:
Hi Joon! After reading about how you and your fiancee had taken a 6 month break for your relationship, I was really curious about how that panned out. My girlfriend/ex and I are currently going through a break to refocus on God, and I wondered if you had any advice to give on this or have any experiences/lessons to share. Thanks!
Hey there dear friend. I actually talk about this in a bit of detail in my book on dating.
Though I couldn’t possibly give all that I learned from the six month break-up, I can tell you two things for sure.
Letting Jesus Speak.
In Luke 12, when Jesus says what the master will do to the wicked servant — “He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers” — I can’t turn this around by saying, “Jesus is really saying, I will never stop loving you.”
In John 6, Jesus preaches a sermon so hardcore that every single follower except the appointed twelve end up leaving him. Jesus asks the remaining dozen, “Do you want to leave too?” I don’t see this in any church growth books or discipleship workshops.
In Matthew 10, Jesus says plainly with zero disclaimers: “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law — a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.” I don’t see a hidden meaning in this passage. He said what he meant; he meant what he said.
If you’ve ever really read the Sermon on the Mount, it’s absolutely horrifying. Whether you believe Jesus was real or not, it completely clashes against all our notions of a sheep-petting, halo-wearing, perfect-teeth Jesus.
Can we try to let Jesus speak for himself?
— J.S. from What the Church Won’t Talk About
More Than Sex.
Your sexual identity is not everything about you, because you are a God-created individual who is much more than your urges and appetites and desires.
Both the secular talk show host and the red-faced preacher who set a laser-sight on our sexuality are just squeezing attention to their platforms while reducing human beings to human do-ings. That’s a no-win.
— J.S. from What the Church Won’t Talk About
I Don’t Like That One Thing You Said Once: Moving Past Disagreements
A friend told me he left his church because the pastor finally said something he did not agree with.
I asked him what it was. Something about feminism. He couldn’t remember too well.
I asked him, “So that’s it then?”
He said, “Of course. I mean now I know who this pastor really is.”
There could’ve been a legitimate reason here, but even if not: I understand, because the second I can drop someone, I usually do. It’s this sick part of me that can’t stand it when someone else thinks differently than I do.
More than ever, we’re an easily offended culture. We are vocal paper tigers. The blogosphere has exposed us as absurdly critical creatures, each of us with an impetuously loud voice that makes up for our real personalities. The shyest kitten becomes a German shepherd on a blog. I know this because I’m like this. We know it shouldn’t be this way: but we are just so bad at disagreeing, it’s nearly an artform.
Continue reading “I Don’t Like That One Thing You Said Once: Moving Past Disagreements”
That Tricky, Slippery Monster Called Pride
Anonymous asked a question:
Could you help me get a perspective on pride? It always lurking in me. I might do something good just because the opportunity was there, but afterwards, I want to share (brag) about what I just did. I don’t, because I don’t want to look like I’m bragging (about something so small, at that [appearances/pride]). I want to do more, but if it’s hard to stay humble about small things, then how can I handle greater things? And does this desire for greater come from pride?
Hey dear friend, thank you for your honesty and for every ounce of your self-awareness. While I can’t hope to cover everything about pride, let’s consider a few things together. This may be a jump-off where you can begin your own thoughts on moving forward. As always, please feel free to skip around.
1) The tricky thing about pride is that most people don’t know they have a problem with pride. Including me.
The fact that you can even articulate this about yourself is a step forward — and the tricky thing is that this could make you even more prideful.
I knew someone who used to say, “I don’t struggle with pride, it’s not one of my issues,” and I laughed, because this is exactly what pride does. Pride is a false self-elevation of our own morality and performance, so that we’re constantly looking down on others and up on ourselves.
Even worse, when I laughed at this guy who was blind to his own pride, then suddenly I became the prideful one by mocking his lack of humility. That’s how slippery this whole thing really is. I’ll go so far as to say, pride is the root of every sin, and perhaps the ultimate human problem that Jesus had to die for.
Continue reading “That Tricky, Slippery Monster Called Pride”
Lean In To Love.
When I lean in to love on someone, I don’t want to tell them how they should be, I want to tell them how they could be.
— J.S. from The Christianese Dating Culture
Put Right.
The world is a mess but I still have hope, because many of us still care enough to say, “The world is a mess.” We know something is wrong and ought to be put right. We know nothing is as it’s meant to be.
— J.S.
God Versus Our Mistakes
nblomblr asked a question:
Is God sovereign over our mistakes?
Hey dear friend, I believe He is. However, I see what you mean by the question. There’s a double-edge to it, because if “God is in control,” that means we’re not responsible for our actions and we could do what we want. But if God is not in control, then He wouldn’t be God either.
I can’t hope to fully explain the whole thing about sovereignty and our responsibility, because this is a paradox and my 3 lb. brain is allergic to paradoxes. But I do believe that God is somehow both in control while we’re each responsible for our choices. I don’t know how it reconciles. C.S. Lewis offers a little help when he says,
“Whatever you do, He will make good of it. But not the good He had prepared for you if you had obeyed him.”
I leave a few things to mystery. I hope that’s okay. I know our Enlightenment-conditioned minds are afraid to do this: we all have this wild urge to make narrative sense of our lives because we’re so trained towards Westernized formulas. Growing up as an Easterner, the “mystery” part was never a problem for me. I left some things to the unknowable void of human limitations and bowed down to a universe I could not always understand. This isn’t satisfying, but neither is trying to understand dang near everything. As the priest said in Angels and Demons,
“My mind cannot comprehend … my heart is not worthy.”
But to answer closer to home, I do believe God works with our mistakes.
The Top 14 Posts of 2014
Here are the Top 14 Most Viral Posts from this blog of 2014, ranging from topics like singleness, homosexuality, racism, quitting porn, Mark Driscoll, and a confession about my brush with a celebrity pastor.
For God So Loved Even You and Me
For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only Son to die for your mean neighbor and your crazy roommate and the picketing bigot and the racist blogger and your gay friend and all the politicians and our crazy parents and the pastor down the street and the uptight religious folk and the girl at work you can’t stand, because Jesus didn’t just die for the people you like, but for people like you and me.
— J.S.
Jesus Awakens
No Matter What You’ve Heard: You Are Loved
Faith is: growing in the certainty of God’s love by the proof of Him sending His Son to die and rise for you, knowing that He wants to spend the rest of eternity with you.
When you believe this, then four things are certainly true —
Continue reading “No Matter What You’ve Heard: You Are Loved”
The Skeptical Christian Limping to the Finish Line
hayleylepugh asked a question:
What do you mean by skeptical Christian in your description? Don’t you have strong faith? (I’m not asking this in a rude way, I’m just genuinely curious.)
Hey my dear friend, I was an atheist for longer than I’ve been a Christian, so my natural default mode is to doubt, a lot. There are days I think this whole faith thing is crazy and I want to throw the Bible in the trash. I’m sorry if that’s too candid or honest. But it’s one of those things in the church we just don’t talk about, and I’m learning I’m not alone. It’s the entire point of this blog.
When Moses parted the Red Sea, I’m sure there were Israelites saying “In your face you Egyptians!” — but then another group was screaming the entire way through. Yet they all made it by grace. I’m one of the screamers.
I’m not endorsing a halfway lukewarm faith. I believe God wants us to have a robust, vibrant, thriving relationship with Him. But at least for me, I’ll be limping to the finish-line. I’m more Peter than Paul. I’m more Martha than Mary. I’m more David than Daniel.
Continue reading “The Skeptical Christian Limping to the Finish Line”
Too Much Advice For My Dating Life
mythoughtfulmind asked a question:
Hi! Within the last 6 months or so, I’ve thought a lot more about relationships than I ever have before. I’ve never been in one & it gets tough to see so many around me sometimes. With the secular world telling me to get out there, and the Christian views saying I just need to wait & “don’t worry, relationships are hard & being single is good!” sometimes I don’t know what I’m even “allowed” to feel among my Christian peers about this adventure of dating. Advice for a girl not sure what to think?
Hey my friend, first please allow me the grace to point you to my book on dating. It actually talks about the very issues you’re talking about. I’m sorry for the shameless plug, but it’s less than nine bucks and I think it’ll at least jumpstart your own thought process on relationships.
The truth is that you’re going to hear about a billion different opinions on dating. In the book I discuss how we’re all living within the reactionary backlash of someone else’s thoughts, so each opinion on dating (or life or faith or politics) is just a response to another response. That’s why we have the bizarre subculture of Christian dating versus the cool casual hipster pastors who shrug at purity.
My humble opinion is:
Prayers. We Need Them.
Prayers for the families of Liu, Ramos, Brinsley, Kondek, and Parilla. Prayers for NY, for our country, for the world.
— J.S.
I Believe But I’m Not Changing: Where’s The Fruit?
deliveredfish asked a question:
Hello. I understand that my own works could never get me into Heaven, and it’s pointless to weigh myself down with rules and moral obligations. Nevertheless I do believe that genuine faith results in a changed lifestyle, and that good works are a byproduct of faith. This causes me to question the sincerity of my own faith, as I notice that my natural inclination is to sin/my nature is still corrupt/I don’t display much fruit of the spirit. I miss feeling secure in my salvation. Any advice?
Hey my dear friend, I absolutely believe that a follower of Christ is going to have evidence of change in his or her life. But please consider a few things before you go too hard on yourself.
Continue reading “I Believe But I’m Not Changing: Where’s The Fruit?”
J.S. Park: Hospital Chaplain 